I screwed up. Again. Fuck.

I've been crazy busy with work, child-rearing and taking 2 courses. I leave the house at 7:45 am and come back at 4:30 pm. The girl goes to bed at 7:30 pm and I then do homework until 11 - 11:30 pm. I've been so busy that I FORGOT to register for my classes next semester. So I went on tonight and there are wait lists for them. Most likely I will not get into them. I'm so bummed, for lack of a better word.

I just feel so...stagnant with my life. I keep having what I can only describe as an existential crisis. It makes no sense. I'm not depressed. I have a good husband that I love, a daughter that is my world, a house that I love, the job that I wanted (even if it isn't perfect), a good education. Yet, I feel so unsatisfied with it. Why? I look back at some of the major decisions I've made over the years and I wish I'd made different choices.

I sometimes even wish I'd waited to have a baby. Not that I'd trade her for anything. Just voicing that out loud makes me feel like a terrible mother, but why should it? I just think that I would have had the freedom to make other choices with my life rather than being stuck with things.

I'm so upset with not being able to go to school next semester because school is the only thing that I'm doing for myself. It's the only thing that makes me feel like I'm not stagnating, that I'm not just sitting back and living a safe, bland life. It is challenging me in ways I didn't expect. It's hard, but I love it. What am I going to do with myself next semester? It's such a waste of time. It's even worse because I screwed-up. Talk about feeling like an idiot, loser, etc. Nothing like negative self-talk to make you feel worse.